


Constantly On the Cusp of Trying To Kiss You

by vivdvampire



Category: The Goldfinch (2019)
Genre: Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, So do I, boris is just sad, he misses theo, im gonna tag this for real this time, mostly angst, thats it just them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-18 01:08:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21519436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vivdvampire/pseuds/vivdvampire
Summary: Every night since Theo ran away, Boris hasn't been able to stop thinking about him. The things that Theo made him feel and how much he missed having Theo in his bed.
Relationships: Theodore Decker/Boris Pavlikovsky
Comments: 1
Kudos: 72





	Constantly On the Cusp of Trying To Kiss You

**Author's Note:**

> okay so i mcfucked up and accidentally closed the tab this was in so it didnt get saved and now i gotta write it all again  
> this has taken eight years to write im going to cry i didn't know how to end it  
> based off do i wanna know by arctic monkeys

_"You can't go!"_

_"Why not?!"_

_"I have to tell you something..."_

_"What, Boris?"_

_Without even speaking, Boris leaned closer and pressed their lips together. He held it so much shorter than he wanted to, but he knew he couldn't stay and have Theo see him cry._

That thought went through his mind a hundred times a day. He could still remember the way Theo's lips felt against his own and he doubted he'd ever forget. The memories kept him up at night and even if by some miracle they didn't, the nightmares did. So, needless to say, he was always tired and often found himself not paying attention and nearly falling asleep in class. The moment he stepped into his home couldn't come fast enough. Every thought was about Theo. The quiet kid who just showed up one day. The kid that Boris decided to talk to. The kid that he became best friends with. Theo was his only friend, actually. No wonder Boris clung to him so much, didn't want him to go. 

Currently, Boris lay in his bed, on his back. He had gotten home from school about an hour ago and was listening to the playlist of songs he'd made that reminded him of Theo. Songs like _Do I Wanna Know?_ by Arctic Monkeys, _Youth_ by Troye Sivan, and _Champagne Supernova_ by Oasis, to name a few. They were downloaded on to his iPod that he'd acquired (stolen) and an old pair of earbuds he found and prayed that they worked. They did. He hadn't listened to anything else since making this playlist. He had to hide the iPod from his father, though. The man now had a tendency to burst into the room, and the one time he had caught Boris listening to the music and nearly broken the device. Boris now shoved it under his pillow when he listened to hide it from the man.

More than once, the thought of running away himself had crossed his mind, even before he met Theo. The only time he didn't think about Theo was the nights his father came home a bit earlier than usual and had a bit too much to drink. Sometimes even none at all. The nights he would pull Boris out of bed and he had no choice but to let it happen. The nights that left him with a new bruise he desperately tried to hide. Sometimes he wasn't as careful and he'd been asked before by a teacher and his only response was to shrug and say he got into a fight. It seemed to work most of the time. 

But running just didn't seem like a viable option. Obviously it could be done- plenty of people run away from their problems- but he didn't feel like he could do it. So he stayed, dealing with his asshole of a father and the kids who didn't talk to him because they knew he did drugs and even if they didn't know that, they always said they couldn't understand his accent. He didn't hate the solitude, but he wished he had someone to talk to. He was used to being lonely. His entire life was like that. He had gotten used to this. Used to the nights of barely holding on and used to the tears that clouded his vision.

He didn't feel like he was that desperate to see the boy again. But he was. He felt like every second without Theo was just another twist of the knife.

Dramatic? 

Yeah, definitely. 

But it seemed desperation and drama was all he knew. He loved too hard, with everyone, and they flew away, like a bird. He had clung to Theo more than he ever should have and the things that they did would forever be engraved in his mind. Sleepless nights and the drugs they took, the alcohol they drank. The way they both seemed to fit so perfectly together, like a puzzle. (Puzzle metaphors are overused, he thought.) Nights that he stayed awake just to stare at the perfect, sleeping face. Sometimes he'd hold Theo's face in his hand, his thumb gently brushing against his cheekbone. Theo would smile in his sleep and sometimes, he'd be half awake and would lean into the touch, whispering a "good morning". Boris always loved the smaller boy's morning voice and the way he'd look at him sleepily, squinting before he put his glasses on and gave a soft little smile that melted Boris' heart.

  
Those moments were gone, though. Boris knew that he should have gone with Theo. Did Theo even want him to come after he kissed him? It was brief, maybe ten whole seconds before he was running. Like he does with everything. Running away to the park, or even to the backyard and the empty pool. Running away to any intoxicating substance he could lay his hands on. Running away from and to people. Just running away. That's all his life had been. Run, run, run. But he couldn't run from this. Or to it, even. He knew why he wouldn't go with Theo.

He loved him. 

That was still weird to think.

Boris Palikovsky loved Theodore Decker.

And that's just that. No twist endings, nothing like that. Just.

Love. 


End file.
